It could be a wonderful world if today I didn't feel sadness deep within my heart. The kind of sadness that I can't really explain. The kind of sadness that I find myself at a loss to understand why there is a knot in my throat and tears coming to my eyes. When the most random interactions with people leave me feeling down. Nothing special happened today to cause me to feel this way. No one did anything out of the ordinary. It's actually quite an extraordinarily beautiful day.
Now I don't always feel it, this sadness. Most days I feel great. But then there are days like today. The kind of day when it seems as if my mind keeps wandering to my sad thoughts. The 'what's wrong with me' thoughts. The 'everyone has someone' thoughts. The 'what am I doing to deserve these feelings' thoughts.
"Ok, ok stop it!" I chastise myself. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself!" "You have worked too hard and come too far to feel like this again!" I sternly remind myself.
I breathe deeply and start doing the work... again. What have I learned? What do I know that can help me? I fervently search my thoughts for bits of information I know are there. Hard earned truths that have helped me before. And then thankfully I hear them. Why is this coming up for me again today? What am I supposed to learn from these feelings? What am I not addressing?
And then I hear the biggest truth of all. Stop judging the experience and just feel the emotions! Wow that's the hardest one of all. Losing the judgment. The judgment of myself and my experiences. Remembering we are here to experience life! In the experience is the emotion. In the emotion is the gift.
But wait! That still doesn't explain why it's coming up for me today. Why am I experiencing these emotions again now?
I know my Spirit knows. We already know the answers. We just have to be quiet long enough to hear and pay attention to messages that are all around us. "The animals, look to the animals" I hear my heart saying. But I haven't seen any animals lately. No animals have presented themselves uniquely or repetitively to me lately. How could the animals have a message for me? "Think deeper" I hear my heart say again. Wait! I know! The toad. Many times over the past few days people have specifically brought a toad up to me. No other animal... just the toad. Random people that have read or heard about my book are asking me about the symbolism of the toad. The toad, through other people, is being presented to me.
Well! I am very familiar with the symbolism of a toad! The toad is an amphibian. Amphibians go through a process of metamorphosis. Toads change from an egg, to a tadpole, to a toad and periodically shed their skin. If an amphibian is your totem, the message is one of adaptability and significant personal change. You can experience a major shift or transformation, a metamorphosis.
My first thought is "not again!" Thankfully my second thought is "with change, comes growth" and isn't that why we're here? To learn and grow through our experiences? Taking a deep breath I dry my eyes. I have learned to welcome the messages and remind myself not to judge, just trust. And suddenly... I think to myself, what a wonderful world!
For info on my book God is in the Little Things; Messages from the Animals please visit my website http://godisinthelittlethings.com
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