It has been almost twenty years since I came home one
afternoon to find that my husband had taken his life in our garage. I could not
believe it! I kept telling myself that it was all a very bad dream and that I
would wake up soon. Well, it wasn’t a dream and I realized that my future, at
that point, had some real challenges ahead for me. I wasn’t sure that I was up
for the challenge, to be totally honest. I had two teenage daughters to support
and I wasn’t sure how I was going to do that by myself. It didn’t matter that I suddenly had a huge
gaping hole in my heart, what did matter was the reality that I was now a widow
faced with a new life that I had not chosen for myself or my daughters.
The mechanics of daily life went forward with me being more like a robot than the loving person that I had been before. I am sure that if you have ever suffered the loss of a loved one, you can imagine what those first several weeks were like. I did what was required of me but little else.
The mechanics of daily life went forward with me being more like a robot than the loving person that I had been before. I am sure that if you have ever suffered the loss of a loved one, you can imagine what those first several weeks were like. I did what was required of me but little else.
One cold winter afternoon there was a knock at my door. When
I opened it there stood an old friend from High School that I had not seen in a
very long time. He had come to see if there was anything that he could do for
me and my daughters. I thought that was
sweet but would have preferred to just be left alone. I thanked him but firmly stated that there
wasn’t anything that he could do and that I really appreciated his coming by.
He was not one to take no for an answer and insisted that he could at least
take me out to lunch. I had stared at the walls long enough that afternoon that
for some reason I accepted his invitation.
Lunch was nice with him doing most of the talking. After we
finished he suggested that we go for a drive in the country like we used to do
“back in the day”. At first I said that I would really rather not but again no
was not a word he would accept and the next thing I knew we were driving down
some roads that I had not been on in years.
The scenery was pleasing in a way that I had not realized
that it would be. We came to a spot in the road that had fields on both sides with
one area having a fence that marked the ending of one person’s property and the
beginning of another. That is when I
saw her! Sister Deer was standing at the fence with two fawns. She looked right
at me and nodded her head. She nuzzled one fawn, looked at me again and then
nuzzled the other. She looked at me one last time and a thought came into my
head, “You will be alright, open your gentle heart again.” Sister Deer then
walked away with her two little girls following after her. At that point I knew
without any doubt that I was going to be OK. My daughters would be OK.
Tears were streaming down my face and I looked at my friend
and smiled for the first time in weeks and said, “I’m going to be OK. I’ll
survive this! Wasn’t the deer beautiful?”
“What deer?” he asked.
“The one just back there with the two fawns “, I answered.
“Bev, I didn’t see a deer and this is the wrong time of the
year for a doe to have small ones with her.”
Back then, I had not learned much about my totems. I knew
that for some reason animals came to me in dreams and sometimes in life but had
not really thought about it much. All I knew was that my heart was much lighter
and the future did not look so bleak anymore because a deer had told me so. She
came to me as a mother and reminded me that the gentleness of love heals our
souls.
In the following years, I have learned much about the
connection that all living things have with each other and now teach others
about the lessons they can learn from the animal spirits that guide them in
life.
Guest post from Beverly Two Feathers
Please visit Bev and her blog about Native American Totems
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